January 28, 2018

Today's Proofreading

 Proofreading:

1.Possess -> possesses [Unnatural]
human -> Human
Shorter version:
Minimum Bachelor degree in Human Resource Management, Humanities, Law, Psychology or equivalent.
OR
Has/Hold a Bachelor degree in Human Resource Management, Humanities, Law, Psychology or equivalent.

Possess doesn't collocate well with degree in this context. (possess knowledge/have an ownership of, or enter into and control, as of emotions/ideas)

2.Communication in English is a mush\ -> mushy? Well, I wouldn't like to communicate English in 'as mushy as a Hallmark valentine'. (I imagine a mush in any soft or soggy mass xD).

Revised:  Communication in English is a must.

3.Have a good knowledge of 'UU Ketanagkerjan' -> Have a good knowledge of Labour Law(s)/Employment Law(s)/Manpower Law(s) -> depends on what you want to convey.
ect -> etc.
Ketanagkerjan -> Ketenagakerjaan

4.At least 2 years (instead of 2 Year(s))

5.Willing to be located ..

6.Willing to work in shift
(shifting means you are changing continuously).

Jobdesk

1. Prepares employee contract and employee profiling
[NOT proffer fling ->Present/Propose a filing??? > propose an entering of a legal document into the public record?? or act/using a file???]

2.Manages HR Document and HR profiling

3.Keep (company's) confidential data secure.
[NOT securely ... ]

4.Recruitment and Placement
[of WHAT?]
Revision: Employee recruitment and placement

5.Willing to work in shift (with shift system.. at least acceptable but not common)

Source: https://www.jobstreet.co.id/en/job/assistant-hr-operation-bandara-soekarno-hatta-2340114?fr=21

January 25, 2018

Editing/Proofreading

PT.Dexa Medica

Act Profesionally :  Profesionally -> Professionally.

Act Profesionally sounds like an actor that is told to 'perform' when s/he underperfoms.
Tips: Avoid ambiguous phrase.

Suggestion:
Our Professional Code/Rules of Conduct  (in Business)

Original
a demonstration of dedication to working smart and with profesionalism emphasizing honesty and integrity

Revised:
Showing dedication by working smartly and professionally with honesty and integrity.

Notes:
The word "demonstration" here is not (really) compatible with "dedication". Using "show" will make the sentence flow better.  

 Glaring mistake: nurturning -> nurturing

Deal with Care may sound ambiguous, it can mean to 'deal with a customer in (non-)caring way' or in negative connotation it can mean 'deal something behind the table so that the patient/customer is taken care of (no complaint please!)'. I feel guilty using 'of' at the end of sentence, but to emphasize my point of 'being taken care of' so I leave it at that.

How about:
"Serve with Care" sounds much more natural and better, especially in Health Care Industry where you sell your service, not your dealings or financial benefits for all your stakeholders.

We are always encouraged to nurture our relationship by 'Seeking first to understand' and  'Treating others with respect' (in all aspects of business) so that we can always arrive at/reach a mutually beneficial agreement (for all parties involved).
 

Original:
Expertise for The Promotion of Health
Providing better health care by applying expertise was the foundation on which its founder built this company



Revised (Options):
Promoting Your Health with Our Expertise
Promoting Your Health using Our Expertise
Your Health Promotion is Our Expertise
Our Expertise is in Your Health Promotion

"Providing/Serving you with better health care by lending our expertise" has been the reason why our founder built this company.

 Strive for excellence
Committed to provide the best values for and in compliance with our internal and external customer by exercising prudence and maintaining compliance at all time.
(I still feel this sentence at best, superfluous).

Source:
http://www.dexa-medica.com

 

January 21st, 2018

Using "Legalese" doesn't make you a competent writer

Proofreading

 Revision:
Original sentence:

He serves as Corporate Secretary of the Company since November 24, 2011 and re-appointed for the next period of 5 (five) years pursuant to the Resolution of Board of Directors, dated November 14, 2016.

Corrected sentence:
> He has served as the Corporate Secretary of the Company since November 24, 2011 and has been reappointed for the next 5 (five) years period pursuant to the Resolution of Board of Directors, dated November 14, 2016.

Revised sentence:
> Serving as the Corporate Secretary of the Company since November 24, 2011, Sudin S.H has been reappointed on November 14, 2016 for the next five-year period in accordance with the Resolution of Board of Directors

Note: fixing tenses, restructuring the whole sentence, in accordance with = pursuant to (optional), dated is removed.

Original sentence:
Currently he did not has any double position in other Public Company.

Corrected sentence:
Presently, aside from the position of Corporate Secretary and Head of Legal Department of Sinarmas Mining, he doesn't assume any other responsibility.

Revised sentence:
Currently he did not has any double position in other Public Company.
[ none ]

Note: This sentence makes people think that he IS taking double job/position in other public company, thus it is MUCH better to eliminate this sentence altogether.

Original sentence:
At present, he also serves as the Head of Legal Department of Sinarmas Mining (2007-present).

Corrected sentence:
Additionally,  he has been serving as the Head of Legal Department of Sinarmas Mining from 2007 until present as well.

Original sentence:
He has graduated from the Faculty of Law, Universitas Indonesia in 1995 and Post-Graduate Program of Universitas Pelita Harapan in 2005.

Corrected sentence:
He graduated from the Faculty of Law, Universitas Indonesia in 1995 and Master Program of Universitas Pelita Harapan in 2005.

Question: What Faculty and major did he graduate from? (need additional information).

Original sentence:
He participated in the capital market workshop How to Develop An Excellent Annual Report on October 29, 2014 that organized by Bostonprice Asia.

Corrected sentence:
He participated in the capital market workshop "How to Develop An Excellent Annual Report" on October 29, 2014 organized by Bostonprice Asia.
 

13 January 2018

12 Januari 2018

 trough => through

 Great things never come from comfort zones, even it's a slow process, but quitting won't speed it up! - a totally mix-max of tenses which won't make the sentence more intense...

January 4th, 2017

Anothner [x]

Another [v]

3 Januari 2018

IDNtimes

Perubahan kata kita-> kami